SIBLING RIVALRY (Part 2)

I never met my cousin, Miss Buguias , in person. We found each other at "friendsters" and I'm really glad to be related to this nurse from Arizona. I knew her Mom who is my Dad's relative from my grandmother's side. She has her blog here: Nem Nem Ko and I'm posting her story she sent me when I asked her about sibling rivalry.

Grazie again Insan!

Miss Buguias and her sister Janice

Heads and tails! My mom, I say is a strict disciplinarian. She has been teaching since age 18 (back then teaching course called ETC ket 2 years lang, until naging bachelors degree). She is very strict not only in school, but at home as well. Me and my sister were just 20 months apart and yeah, sibling rivalry, I know about that hehehe. My mom has her own way of resolving conflicts - "Heads Or Tails?".

with their own little girls

I remember it clearly when my mom was pursuing her graduate studies, she travels from Buguias to Baguio every weekend for her classes. Me and my sister alternately go to Baguio with her. During Semestral breaks or vacations, we sometimes lost track of who went to Baguio last. Pouring of tears dont work with my mom, haan nga mabalin ti agririri! kelangan fair nga kanayon!!! She would often bring out one of her one peso coins and spin it in the air... My sister has the Head... mine the tail! Who ever wins, WINS!!! We learned a lesson right there and then... Fairness and accepting defeat.

Sometime three years ago, my daughter Kazhra and son Kaisser often argue about which tv show to watch. Adding and extra tv's in their bedrooms did not solve the problem. They still prefer to watch their favorite shows in the living room. Finally my ears got tired of the daily argument I decided to use my moms Heads or Tails technique.

Glad to share that since then (three years ago), I have never heard them argue about the remote control! But of course, they have million other things to argue)
Excerpt from Handling Sibling Rivalry:

What causes sibling rivalry? Think about it. Siblings don't choose the family they are born into, don't choose each other. They may be of different sex, are probably of different age and temperament, and. worst of all, they have to share the one person or the two people they most want for themselves: their parents...

HERE are some do's and don'ts that may be helpful in dampening down sibling rivalry within a family:

1. Don't make comparisons. ("I don't understand it. When Johnny was her age, he could already tie his shoes.") Each child feels he is unique and rightly so-he is unique, and he resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.

2. Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to what many people think, anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned control and that angry feelings do not give license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. This is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger ("I know you hate David right now but you cannot hit him with a stick"). and talk it through.

3. Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. First we must teach children that feelings and actions are not synonymous. It may be normal to want to hit the baby on the head, but parents must stop a child from doing it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. So parental intervention must be quick and decisive.

4. When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences. Sounds good but it can be terribly unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of unequals in terms of strength and eloquence (no fair hitting below the belt literally or figuratively). Some long-lasting grudges among grown siblings have resulted when their minority rights were not protected. Click HERE for more...