I SHOULD HAVE...

I'm in so much pain right now. Tears welling down like it would wash away everything. My employer just killed himself. First, his wife left him, his children are all grown up and the eldest decided to live in Spain. Then he had a stroke that left his right arm and legs damaged. He was getting by but eventually got depressed because he felt his children don't care for him anymore.


He always tells me he is going to end his life and told me not to worry because he would let me know. True indeed he related last Friday that he almost did it last Thursday. We were both laughing as he was telling me he was undecided which knife to use. He told me he attempted to cut his throat twice and said, "Shit, its not easy!".


Before, I would only listen when he tells me all his disappointments and anger to what is happening with his life. That day, I just can't listen anymore and spoke my piece. I told him, all his life he'd been working, always thinking of his family and all. Now, he should give himself a break, spend his money and go see the world. Then he said he can't do anything with his affected arm and legs, but realized his life is ending anyway so why think of what his extremities can do.


"You're right, I should do that! I need to go to some place where there's a lot of sun. Thailand maybe." I heard him say and somehow uplifted my worries.


He went to the kitchen and came back holding a 1oo euro bill. Take this he said and I immediately turned it down. I said I can't accept that and he told me not to get offended. "Its for Easter, for you and the kids", he insisted. He left it on the table and I told him I'll take it as advance payment for this month but he repeated, "Please don't, its a gift, at least for the kids".

Then he went to his swimming therapy but before leaving he advised me not to throw one particular box of pasta in the cupboard. He showed me a bulk of money which according to him his children knew of and now I'm included.

I wrote an entry that night but didn't publish it. I talked how I was somehow hurt because its like I was being paid for caring and giving a piece of advice. Though I knew he didn't mean it that way.


Monday, I found him waiting for me before he'll drive 4 hours to his old house in Piemonte. He'll stay there for two days before heading somewhere for his medical check-up.


I saw his brief case and I wondered why that small when he'll be away for days. Something in me wanted to open it but I didn't have the guts to do so. I knew something was wrong.


That night at home, I was thinking of the worst. Maybe he drove off a cliff so I sent him a message to know if he had arrived. "Hey tnx, I'm sleeping here in my house at Piemonte. Tomorrow I'm going to swiz... ciao", he replied. I was relieved to know he's okay and had known that his check-up would be in Switzerland. The next day, I didn't text him because I thought he might be annoyed of me asking how he is.


Today just as I came in the house to cook dinner while my husband and the kids were playing outside, the phone rang and its my other employer, his ex-wife. My eldest son saw me breakdown and I regretted how I made him worry. I had to tell him when he asked me why and I said "Diego is gone, he is dead".

I hate myself now for not doing what I should have done! Always thinking that I don't want to be a snitch. I did not relay to his son all his father's aches and him always saying he'd kill himself. I should have bombarded him with emails that his father needs him and begged him to give up his job in Spain. I should have told his daughter how he is hurting his father when he asks her to do something but would talk herself out. I should have told them not to be judgemental with their father's behavior because he is not well, physically and psychologically.

"Who else would I tell all of these? Just you...", he told me last Friday and these words are echoing over and over in my mind. I should have opened his briefcase because he left it on top of the ironing board and maybe was waiting for me to see his gun inside. I should have figured out what he wrote on his last text message, "...tomorrow I'm going to swiz", that he intentionally misspelled the swiz for suicide. I should have known he was up for something when I asked when will he be back and he said Friday but looked away, shook his head and said, "...maybe not". Before he left, he asked me if I need anything then his last words were, "Good luck and good health to you, your husband and the kids. Bouna Pascua (Happy Easter)!". I should have known.... I should have...

BABBLES...MORE GABBLES...JABBER FREAK

Just love the sound of those words. Besides, "no can think" of what title to use out of "no can think" of what to write. Whatever... Indulge anyway and let's see where we'll be heading.

GAS BILL

March 21, spring started officially and we're still as cold as our winter. The heater is still on after paying more than a thousand euro gas bill. The bill that shocked my husband ( still shocks him when we paid the same amount last year). Thanks to my son's school, where 'pidocchi' (lice) was prevalent for the previous months but is now contained (thanks to a 13 euro shampoo that pharmacies disposed before it expires), the husband paid the gas bill in less "agony".

SALTED CAKE

Work is good. my boss is so generous, so is her ex wife whom I had lunch with last Friday. My first time to taste 'torta salata'(salted cake). More of a pie topped with spinach and 4 kinds of cheese. Ricotta, mozzarella, cheddar and grana. Heaven. Italians must have all the reasons to be known for their cooking.

PICTURE CREDIT:Lo spicchio d'aglio - Ricette di cucina on-line -

The lunch was made more perfect with our laughter. We talked about my kids and her two grown up kids. Gosh, "feminist" was all over her and I liked her more when she talks about "multi-tasking". How she described her passed juggling of mothering, home making, "wifing" and now, the job that pays her new car, Clinique Skin Care and gym fee. A once a month meal with Marina, can't wait what's for April.

LA QUERCIOLA WINES



Back to my boss' generosity. He gave me two bottles of red wine last Friday. His supplies came last week. He said he has this friend in Barolo('La Querciola' Farm) who just started the business and produces excellent world class wines. Because of the on going economic crisis, long time wineries who already made names out of their wines had dropped their prices. To be able to compit or at least generate his capital or investment, my boss' friend from Barolo sells his products at a bargain too. And before he goes bankrupt, he sent his wines to all his friends, imposing them to pay of course.




I had seen the label of my share of bottles dating 2004. Hhmmnn, can't wait to to taste this five years old fermented grapes(lol), maybe tonight.

WORKING OUT DIET

Been jogging intensely, if one hour 3 times a week is considered intense. Yoga too for almost everyday and less rice and pasta. Hmmfff, those minute(read as "may-nuyt" lolz) hard shed pounds easily comes back in one gobble of carbs and a pound of steak. Regardless, minute is better than nothing or gaining, me thinks.




One thing I noticed, staying fit and eating ideal food is quite expensive. Cereals for breakfast. Yogurt and cereal biscuits for snack. A slice of meat, 'insalta'(veggie salad), cereal crackers and pear or apple for lunch. Another snack of English tea, oven-ed peanuts and 2 biscuits of cereal. Dinner which is the same as lunch but meat was substituted with tuna.

To tell you the truth, I strictly follow the diet because its not easy to run the 20 minutes by the pavement which it takes me 40 minutes on my way back through the beach. More effort when you push your foot from the embedding effect of the sand. And my golly gee, grasping breath would make you cough and muscles would later sore when you sprint on the dry soft part of the shore.

THE PRICE

After the work out, you'll feel you had won over your demons. Victory over the inner voice who encourages you that being fat is you being confident of the body you have. Wrong. Staying fit is taking care of the only body you have! That's where your confidence should invest. If you're after longevity of life, that is!

BRANDS



Eeisshh its raining! My Sunday jogging, the longest run is making me write now. I can't go out and try the new "dry and fit" work-out suit we bought yesterday.

Business tactic can fool you if you let them. You see, this sport store had all the line of jogging sports wear in one floor. Nike, Adidas and Champion are on the front line occupying almost three fourths of the place. A pair of jogging pants alone costs 45 to 95 euros. I went at the very end of the floor flipping all the price tag and I found this "PRO TOUCH Teamsport" product which looks very much the same (cloth and style) with the branded ones. It was made in Switzerland against made in China for the well known sports gear.



Huhh, felt like winning the "consolation" price in a raffle draw because I paid 19 euros for my "dry-fit" jogging pants and not 45 to 95. A white blouse came with that too which was on sale for only 14 euros.

Imagine that if I didn't riffle through all the tags and labels, I'll get out of the sports shop robbed with 100 euros.

SHUSH ME



Okay, I'll have to go. That's it for now. Kids are awake and I'll go make them breakfast. Time to join also the husband who is watching the first F1 race of this year, he actually woke the kids up. Till the next time of my babbles... more gabbles and freaky jabbers. Oh did I tell you its raining and I can't jog?

OVER THE COUNTER SCENE

Last Monday I went home with out opening my book, my iPod was off and I didn't take a nap before the boat docked. These are the usual things I relish after my part time work at Lido. The simple pleasures to rejuvenate lucidity before these tree boys start to jump on the "mother ape" they missed that day.

There's this new girl who took the shift of the gay I was talking about here: SMILE . This is my second encounter with her and she should be thankful that reasoning helped me brush off the first one. I politely asked her for two bags after I greeted her 'Buon giorno' (good day). With her sardonic smile, she handed me the bags and I started filling it up with the groceries I bought.

My bill was 38 euros and 73 cents. I gave her 50 and she asked me if I have some coins. I showed her my wallet, opened my coin purse and said in Italian that I'm sorry I don't have them. She got angry, rolled her eyes and said, "Oh Signore!"(Ohh God).

My low blood count suddenly went up and literally flooded my head . My face felt hot and my ears were 'smokin' . I asked her, "Cosa?"(what). Then I told her, "Just for monetti(coins), you are angry? I don't have them and there's nothing I can do with it!" Then she gave me my change and was still murmuring words only she could hear. Then I raised my voice and said, "Look, if I were to pay only 5 euros and I gave you fifty, you have the right to get angry but its 38 euros!". And she answered, "So what now, I gave your change didn't I?". That's exactly why I got out of control. She CAN give me the 'resto'(change) so why does she have to give me that lousy treatment?

I can see all eyes staring at us, I felt they were thinking, "This short girl sure have some guts! Maybe blind too, the cashier is twice her size". Then she told me her job is difficult with out coins and still giving me that hard face.

When I was in the boat, I tried to collect the rightful reasoning to what had just transpired. Part of me felt bad for raising my voice and should have explained to her calmly that first, what she did was simply not acceptable. Second, its her job and third, she will not give me that treatment if I were an Italian. But a part of me which my father often calls it "my i-Bontoc side", said "let's get it on" and I should have gone as far as reporting it to her boss.

Next time I'll shop, I'll take the line of her counter and see how she treats me again. I hope we both teach each other a lesson. Her to be more polite and me to stand up more often for what is right. Who knows, the next NON-Italian on line might get a better treatment out of this.