Wednesday, 8 April 2009

I SHOULD HAVE...

I'm in so much pain right now. Tears welling down like it would wash away everything. My employer just killed himself. First, his wife left him, his children are all grown up and the eldest decided to live in Spain. Then he had a stroke that left his right arm and legs damaged. He was getting by but eventually got depressed because he felt his children don't care for him anymore.


He always tells me he is going to end his life and told me not to worry because he would let me know. True indeed he related last Friday that he almost did it last Thursday. We were both laughing as he was telling me he was undecided which knife to use. He told me he attempted to cut his throat twice and said, "Shit, its not easy!".


Before, I would only listen when he tells me all his disappointments and anger to what is happening with his life. That day, I just can't listen anymore and spoke my piece. I told him, all his life he'd been working, always thinking of his family and all. Now, he should give himself a break, spend his money and go see the world. Then he said he can't do anything with his affected arm and legs, but realized his life is ending anyway so why think of what his extremities can do.


"You're right, I should do that! I need to go to some place where there's a lot of sun. Thailand maybe." I heard him say and somehow uplifted my worries.


He went to the kitchen and came back holding a 1oo euro bill. Take this he said and I immediately turned it down. I said I can't accept that and he told me not to get offended. "Its for Easter, for you and the kids", he insisted. He left it on the table and I told him I'll take it as advance payment for this month but he repeated, "Please don't, its a gift, at least for the kids".

Then he went to his swimming therapy but before leaving he advised me not to throw one particular box of pasta in the cupboard. He showed me a bulk of money which according to him his children knew of and now I'm included.

I wrote an entry that night but didn't publish it. I talked how I was somehow hurt because its like I was being paid for caring and giving a piece of advice. Though I knew he didn't mean it that way.


Monday, I found him waiting for me before he'll drive 4 hours to his old house in Piemonte. He'll stay there for two days before heading somewhere for his medical check-up.


I saw his brief case and I wondered why that small when he'll be away for days. Something in me wanted to open it but I didn't have the guts to do so. I knew something was wrong.


That night at home, I was thinking of the worst. Maybe he drove off a cliff so I sent him a message to know if he had arrived. "Hey tnx, I'm sleeping here in my house at Piemonte. Tomorrow I'm going to swiz... ciao", he replied. I was relieved to know he's okay and had known that his check-up would be in Switzerland. The next day, I didn't text him because I thought he might be annoyed of me asking how he is.


Today just as I came in the house to cook dinner while my husband and the kids were playing outside, the phone rang and its my other employer, his ex-wife. My eldest son saw me breakdown and I regretted how I made him worry. I had to tell him when he asked me why and I said "Diego is gone, he is dead".

I hate myself now for not doing what I should have done! Always thinking that I don't want to be a snitch. I did not relay to his son all his father's aches and him always saying he'd kill himself. I should have bombarded him with emails that his father needs him and begged him to give up his job in Spain. I should have told his daughter how he is hurting his father when he asks her to do something but would talk herself out. I should have told them not to be judgemental with their father's behavior because he is not well, physically and psychologically.

"Who else would I tell all of these? Just you...", he told me last Friday and these words are echoing over and over in my mind. I should have opened his briefcase because he left it on top of the ironing board and maybe was waiting for me to see his gun inside. I should have figured out what he wrote on his last text message, "...tomorrow I'm going to swiz", that he intentionally misspelled the swiz for suicide. I should have known he was up for something when I asked when will he be back and he said Friday but looked away, shook his head and said, "...maybe not". Before he left, he asked me if I need anything then his last words were, "Good luck and good health to you, your husband and the kids. Bouna Pascua (Happy Easter)!". I should have known.... I should have...

13 comments:

Hannah

Oh, Lovelyn, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

For what it's worth, remember that you were there for him. You gave him the friendship that he needed and did your best for him. Find comfort in celebrating him the way he never celebrated himself. Perhaps he will find comfort in that, too, wherever he is. Take heart.

Anonymous

Oh my heart goes out to you, he treated you more then someone who worked for him....he loved you as a daughter. He found joy in giving you things for your close family. Remember that he gave you his final 100 euro for your family, it goes to show he loves family life and wishes you well.
Remember him in his prayers....he is seeing the sun shine he wished you, he is in a happy place now.
Big hugs and kisses xxx

lovelyn

I hope you're right Hannah. Thank you for these kind and comforting words. True friends just "pop out" when they're needed. Means a lot!
__________________________________

Thanks Ma'am Paula. I hope and pray he finds that peace he never had. It all really comes down to how important your family is. They're your primary support. If you don't have them, what else is there?

TruBlue

Sons and daughters need to implant in their minds they too, will soon grow old and be in pain most of the time.

You did the best you could under those circumstances - you never really knew he's going to end his life. Cheers to you and happy easter to all.

msbuguias

That's a sad one insan...i can somehow imagine your employer's aches and pains...there is not much difference with our patients here in AZ where the average pt age is 65...a lot of people kill themselves because of depression.Many pts lay frail in their sick bed sorrounded by expensive and beautiful flowers...but their families are nowhere in sight.

Anyways...be comforted in knowing that you did your best in caring for him...sadly, you don't read minds insan.May he rest in peace. Have a Happy Easter!

lovelyn

Somewhere in Africa, written in their tombstone is(forgot the real words on their dialect) "kami ngayon, kayo bukas". I always believe that how you treat your parents, your children will do the same.

I thought he is not going to do it TruBlue. Hope you also had a great Easter.
________________________________

I just remembered what you wrote insan, about your patient who died on your shift. Now I know what you felt then....

Yes, hoping and praying he will rest in peace, something he never had in this life.

Thanks for the visit and I wish you, your husband and your 2 almost big "K"ids well.

firefly in july

I once experienced the loss of a loved one, and when the finality of it sunk in, I had so many "I should haves" just like you... I can still remember the feeling of helplessness and guilt for not having done enough.

It took time before I was able to really move on, find peace, and believe that he is in a better place. I hope that your road to acceptance of what happened to your friend and employer will not be too long.

lovelyn

It will really take time Izma. I just saw his family today. It had somehow helped.

Thanks and see you around!

Rubba

cry for help. But its not anyones fault? If anything he has to answer to God. Feel sorry but don't feel bad. If he was catholic then he knows the consequences.

lovelyn

That's what makes me break Russel. Thinking he wasn't at peace and happy here on earth and then its the same after life. Told this over the phone to my Dad and he said. "God is not that cruel, he will understand".

Nywaz, I believe in the power of prayer. Hope you include him in yours, a very big favor... please.

raqgold

you were good to have listened to him and give him a piece of advice. i am sure it helped him, too

pero sempre, sya pa rin ang gagawa ng daan ng buhay nya. i hope you are feeling better now.

alam mo, iba kasi talaga ang culture nila dito e. parang minsan mas kapamilya pa nila mga kaibigan nila kesa sa mga kadugo nila. i know, i am experiencing such things now.

julie

I don't know the right words to say but be assured that at least you were there like a family member for him :)

Am crying right now for him :(

Marites

So sorry to hear about employer. You don't have to blame yourself as you were with him when nobody wanted to. I'm sure he was pleased with your being there with him. I do hope he'll be at peace now.

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