SIBLING RIVALRY (Part 3)

I'm the eldest among six girls and next to me is my sister, Noeda, with only a gap of one year. Among all my sisters, she's my "fighting-mate" during our younger days. Punching, kicking, nose bleeding and shouting would often raise our Dad's blood pressure. Dismayed, he would always tell us that it would be worse if we were boys.

As we age and eventually had a family of our own, I look back at it as part of growing up. A normal stage we have to go through or a part of the process where we acted out who and what we are that time - KIDS.

Writing this echoes my father's words when we do it rough. He would say: "Enjoy these short days being together as sisters. Someday you'll leave this home and will have a family of your own. Then no matter how you would want to turn back time to be young all together again, you can't 'uray in-nanges kayu ni dara'(even if you cry out tears of blood)." Indeed, he was right!

Last Sunday, we celebrated Noemi's first birthday. My sister Noeda and his husband Irven may look tired but they did well in making my niece's day a special one.

Noeda emailed me before her daughter's birthday about her children's(Roldan-2 years old and Noemi-1 y/o) early display of what we used to do - FIGHT! My Sister said:
"They don't really fight(YET), its just that Roldan would often slap Noemi for no reason. He pushes her all the time specially when Roldan is holding food or a toy. He thinks her little sister is going to get it away from him.

For Noemi, its like like she could sense it well that there is danger when Roldan comes to her. She would always run away from his big brother. Again, like she has a wiser mind of her own, Noemi does her pay back when Roldan is asleep. She would pull his brother's hair and pokes his nose hahaha...."

Excerpt from Your Child: Development And Behavior resources:

Be There For Each Child:

1. Set aside “alone time” for each child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.

2. When you are alone with each child, ask them once in a while what they like most and least about each brother and sister. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!
3. Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.

4. Celebrate your children’s differences. Let each child know they are special—just for who they are...read more HERE:

SIBLING RIVALRY (Part 2)

I never met my cousin, Miss Buguias , in person. We found each other at "friendsters" and I'm really glad to be related to this nurse from Arizona. I knew her Mom who is my Dad's relative from my grandmother's side. She has her blog here: Nem Nem Ko and I'm posting her story she sent me when I asked her about sibling rivalry.

Grazie again Insan!

Miss Buguias and her sister Janice

Heads and tails! My mom, I say is a strict disciplinarian. She has been teaching since age 18 (back then teaching course called ETC ket 2 years lang, until naging bachelors degree). She is very strict not only in school, but at home as well. Me and my sister were just 20 months apart and yeah, sibling rivalry, I know about that hehehe. My mom has her own way of resolving conflicts - "Heads Or Tails?".

with their own little girls

I remember it clearly when my mom was pursuing her graduate studies, she travels from Buguias to Baguio every weekend for her classes. Me and my sister alternately go to Baguio with her. During Semestral breaks or vacations, we sometimes lost track of who went to Baguio last. Pouring of tears dont work with my mom, haan nga mabalin ti agririri! kelangan fair nga kanayon!!! She would often bring out one of her one peso coins and spin it in the air... My sister has the Head... mine the tail! Who ever wins, WINS!!! We learned a lesson right there and then... Fairness and accepting defeat.

Sometime three years ago, my daughter Kazhra and son Kaisser often argue about which tv show to watch. Adding and extra tv's in their bedrooms did not solve the problem. They still prefer to watch their favorite shows in the living room. Finally my ears got tired of the daily argument I decided to use my moms Heads or Tails technique.

Glad to share that since then (three years ago), I have never heard them argue about the remote control! But of course, they have million other things to argue)
Excerpt from Handling Sibling Rivalry:

What causes sibling rivalry? Think about it. Siblings don't choose the family they are born into, don't choose each other. They may be of different sex, are probably of different age and temperament, and. worst of all, they have to share the one person or the two people they most want for themselves: their parents...

HERE are some do's and don'ts that may be helpful in dampening down sibling rivalry within a family:

1. Don't make comparisons. ("I don't understand it. When Johnny was her age, he could already tie his shoes.") Each child feels he is unique and rightly so-he is unique, and he resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.

2. Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to what many people think, anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned control and that angry feelings do not give license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. This is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger ("I know you hate David right now but you cannot hit him with a stick"). and talk it through.

3. Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. First we must teach children that feelings and actions are not synonymous. It may be normal to want to hit the baby on the head, but parents must stop a child from doing it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. So parental intervention must be quick and decisive.

4. When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences. Sounds good but it can be terribly unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of unequals in terms of strength and eloquence (no fair hitting below the belt literally or figuratively). Some long-lasting grudges among grown siblings have resulted when their minority rights were not protected. Click HERE for more...

SIBLING RIVALRY (Part 1)

"I hate you!", shouted Lukie to his little brother yesterday. It was my first time to hear him say HATE.

When Dylan started to crawl 3 months ago, he goes to his brother and grabs or mess up whatever Lukie is playing with. It makes Lukie angry and shouts, "DYLANNNN!" then he would clinch his fist and holds his temper to hit his little brother. Now that Dylan is walking at 11 months old, Lukie lands that fist already. Still sweet cause Lukie does not punch Dylan hard, only a slight smack just for his anger to get to his brother.

While we still find our two boy's early display of sibling rivalry cute and funny, might as well explore and learn more about it. We need to arm ourselves with reading feds that would later help us on how to deal with jealousy and competition between our two boys.

I was able to find this helpful and easy to understand site about Sibling Rivalry.

Growing up in a big family, we too have our shares of antagonism or hostility between our brothers and sisters which manifests itself in circumstances such as in the common children's family fights. Sibling rivalry is one of humanity's oldest problems. Though its a normal behavior, I quote KidsHealth to say it all: "Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses".
With this, series of collected stories by friends and relatives who can relate with the topic will be posted on my next blog. I'm excited and can't wait to share it to you all!